When Middle Schoolers Cry

During a recent student-led conference, a 7th grade boy was surprised by the tears streaming down his cheeks. “What is happening to me?” he cried. It wasn’t as if his grades were bad; he’s a well-behaved student who gets As. I’d just asked if he minded people calling him by his last name. He’d said no, but when his mom pressed the issue, the tears had flowed.

This is not unusual in middle school. In fact, it’s so common that we have a discussion about it at the beginning of the year, when I point out the Kleenex boxes all around the classroom. “If someone starts to cry,” I instruct them, “calmly hand over the tissue box.”

The emotions of middle schoolers are all over the place and are often intense. When I ask who’s been embarrassed by the strength of their reactions, every hand goes up. From fierce anger to hysterical silliness to heartbroken sadness, the feelings hit them hard but can just as quickly switch off or switch to another.

Last week I took an envelope with fundraising money from a box of candy bars that was left in the hallway. After several panicked minutes, the owner figured out where it was and came to me for confirmation. As she rejoined her classmates, a friend asked if she was okay. “Yeah, I am now,” she said, and then burst into tears. “I don’t even know why I’m crying,” she wailed as she requested permission to go to the restroom. I asked if she needed a friend for company, but she declined, wanting only “some time alone for an ugly cry.” She returned to class a little later with an embarrassed smile.

When middle schoolers find themselves in the midst of an emotional storm without an obvious cause, they need adults who will be their safe harbor. They don’t need someone who will get sucked into the pit with them; they need someone to hand them a tissue and wait patiently while they get their emotions under control. If it’s serious, a calm adult can then help them navigate the issue. If it’s really nothing, an understanding adult might pretend it never happened.

If you see a middle schooler in tears, don’t assume the worst. Wait it out, offer support when it ends, and be prepared to let it go if your help is declined. But keep the tissues handy.

 

Loading. . .Please Wait

While waiting for an update to load on my computer, I find myself staring at the numbers that show me how much progress it has made.  It starts out at a good clip: 15%. . .28%. . .35%. . . and then it sticks.  I cheer when it starts moving again – and then it stops at 88%.  Finally it makes it all the way to 100%, and I am relieved.  Until I remember there will be another update coming along soon.

Waiting for a middle schooler to develop adult traits and habits can be just like that.  They progress in fits and starts, and sometimes it seems they stall altogether.  For example, consider being responsible for one’s own stuff.  After months of nagging and complaining, parents might be delighted when their son remembers to take all of his basketball gear to school for two weeks in a row.  But then in the third week he may leave an important assignment at home on the day it’s due.

Or there’s the issue of being accountable for one’s own actions.  This week you may be surprised when you ask, “Who was supposed to feed the cat?” and Lori says, “Oh, sorry, I was.  I’ll go do it now.”  But next week the same question may cause her to reply, “I forgot, but it wasn’t my fault!”

Don’t expect every step forward to be permanent.  But don’t get discouraged either when they fall back into old habits just when you thought there was reason to hope.  It may be uneven progress – but it’s still progress!

An Interesting Mystery

Interesting winter weather in my backyard

I like interesting weather.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s hot, cold, sunny, frosty, rainy, snowy, or windy – as long as it’s not a flat, uniformly gray sky, I love it.  I also love interesting students, especially those who aren’t what we call “traditional learners.”

Each year I face a new group of students; some will talk too much and others won’t say enough.  Some will complete every homework assignment on time, while others will struggle just to complete every assignment.  Some won’t be able to keep track of their homework; others will help me keep track of mine.  They’re all interesting to me, and I love the challenge of uncovering each one’s quirks and finding out what makes them tick.

I read a book recently in which the author said we should view kids as mysteries to be solved rather than as problems to be fixed.  What great advice, not only for teachers, but also for parents!

We can’t underestimate the impact of parenting, but there are many traits that children are just born with, such as organizational skills (or lack thereof), an extroverted (or introverted) personality, a strong will (or a compliant nature).  Parents who take the time to understand the workings of their kids’ minds and hearts will be more effective and have closer relationships.

As their children become tweens and teens, parents should guard against assuming they know what their kids are thinking.  Take the time to listen, to observe, and even occasionally, to ask.  Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your teen, search for clues to the mystery of how your adolescent will become a young adult.

I guarantee the plot will be full of unexpected twists and turns!

“You Don’t Care!”

My friend asked for advice because her 11-year-old son likes to throw this phrase at her, and she’s getting tired of hearing it.  She knows he doesn’t really think she doesn’t care, but it’s getting on her nerves all the same.

I suggested she explain to him that he’s confusing “caring” with letting him have his own way.  For example, he wants it quiet on the way to school so he can finish his homework.  When she won’t shush his brothers, she’s accused of not caring.  She can encourage him to use an “I” message, as in – “I’m so frustrated by all this noise!” – instead of attacking her.  Or he can think of other solutions, such as completing his homework the night before, getting up a little earlier, or wearing headphones in the car.  But she should definitely point out that they both know she does care, so it’s an unfair accusation.

I also suggested she could call it like it is and tell him he’s just being manipulative, and she doesn’t like it.  She could mention that such comments actually make her less willing to help him.   At 11, he will appreciate being involved in an adult-ish conversation (with big words), as well as being involved in the solution.

Parents should keep in mind that such comments are usually strategic tactics designed to deflect attention away from the issue at hand.  What parent isn’t sensitive to being accused of not being perfect enough?

Here’s a tip:  just put up your “Nice-try-kiddo” deflecting shield and let such remarks bounce right off of you!