What Middle Schoolers Don’t Need (and What They Do)

I recently read an excellent blog titled  Four Things Children Do Not Need, and it got me thinking about what middle schoolers do not need–and what they do.  :

What they don’t need:

1. Belittling–they’re hard on themselves already, and they spend the day feeling like they don’t measure up to their peers.  Instead of focusing on their flaws, look for what’s going well in their lives, and point it out in an offhanded way:  “I noticed you were patient with your brother.”
2. Pressure–Grades don’t matter as much in middle school as work habits do.  Students who experience too much pressure are tempted to cheat or develop anxiety.  Help them to figure out how to organize in a way that makes sense to them and encourage strengthening skills such as writing, mental math, and critical thinking.  Such skills will help build success in high school.
3. Overcommitment–If your middle schooler can’t start homework until 8 or 9 o’clock every night, it may be time to drop an activity.  Experimenting at this age is great, but more than one or two teams or commitments is too many and often interferes with their sleep schedule.  Making choices is an important life skill!
4. Interrogation–This came straight from a 7th grader and was echoed by her peers:  “Every day my parents ask the same question: ‘How was school today?’ Then they get upset when I say it was fine!” I asked how parents are supposed to know what’s going on, and the response was unanimous–assume everything’s normal until you hear otherwise.

What they do need:

1. Honesty/Openness–Again, this came from the middle schoolers.  If Grandma is really sick, they want to know.  Shielding kids from adult troubles is not a bad thing, but do speak the truth, even if it’s only a portion of the big picture.  In the words of an 8th grader, don’t “sugarcoat” everything.
2. Unconditional Love–Teens who know they have this from their parents won’t have to make them prove it.  If your middle schooler fails a class, or gets caught smoking, or sends a bullying text, will your forgiveness be a given?  Of course there will be consequences, but is your continued love a no-brainer in your middle schooler’s mind and heart?
3. Boundaries–They already have friends their own age; what they need from you is parenting.  Sometimes they will get mad, and they may even hate you, but they will get over it.  Be firm but fair, stay as calm as possible, but do hand out consequences and then stick with them.  No teen ever died from having a phone taken away, and no parent yet has been hospitalized from a fierce glare or a cold shoulder.
4. Value–People of all ages want to be listened to, taken seriously, and understood.  Teens especially feel this as they begin the transition to adulthood.  Let your middle schoolers know they matter by pocketing your phone, listening without interrupting, and responding with empathy–the same as you want them to do for you.  Follow some of their suggestions and speak well of them within their hearing.  Hug them when they’ll let you, and send them understanding looks when they won’t.

These years are intense, but they will pass quickly and leave you with a high schooler.  Invest in your relationship now.  Stay connected and supportive, and you may find the last half of the teen years to be easier than the first!

 

 

 

“You Know What Would Be Funny?”

See that middle schooler?  He’s a nice kid, as is the one next to him–and the one on the other side of him.  On their own, none of them gets into much trouble.  But put them together and leave them unsupervised at, say, the mall?  Now you’ve got huge potential for trouble.  Somebody asks that fateful question–“You know what would be funny?”–and suddenly they’re trying things as a group that they’d never do alone.

Part of it is physiology (see Blame it on the Brain), but another part of it is a version of “gang mentality.”  Notorious for acting first and thinking  later,  two or more teens hanging out together without adults around will gather courage from each other.  I’ve heard students tell of stealing bowls of Halloween candy from porches, throwing popcorn in movie theaters, and riding bikes off roofs.  I’ve seen photos of girls dressed in goofy outfits in dressing rooms and heard their confession of running out and leaving the mess behind, laughing at how angry they’d made the store personnel.

While sometimes it’s just harmless fun, at other times it can be outright dangerous.  Young teens have been know to sniff, drink, or ingest dangerous substances, as well as set fire to, blow up, or even microwave crazy items.  Afterwards, of course, they suffer remorse (and possibly bodily harm), but at the time it seems like such a great idea.

Parents who drop off their young teens without staying with them–or at least tailing them at a discreet distance–are putting their kids at risk.  Hang around and be available, and you’ll find that your presence is often enough to head off trouble.

Think of yourself as a cross between Jiminy Cricket and the Secret Service.

Relax Your Grip

“Welcome to 7th grade!” I smiled at the parent entering my classroom.

“Whoosh!” she said.  “I don’t know if I’m ready for this!”

I was about halfway through Before-School Conferences, and already this was the theme that kept popping up.

Some parents dread having their child enter middle school because of what lies ahead:  adolescence and teenager-hood.

Do you remember learning to drive?  The harder you tried to steer the car, the more you went off course.  It wasn’t until you learned to relax and quit fighting the steering wheel that you could be successful.

Parenting a middle schooler is like that; it works best when you learn to relax and quit fighting so hard for control.  The happiest combinations of middle schoolers and parents that sat at my conference table were those where Mom or Dad made suggestions (if they said anything at all) but left final decisions about where to sit and where to put stuff to the student.  These parents communicated that they trusted their kids’ judgment, and the kids responded.

Make your expectations clear, offer suggestions, and then relax a little and give your middle schooler a chance to make the right decision.  Don’t be too quick to assume the worst and overreact, or you could create problems where there were none and slide right off the road.

And remember – to avoid oversteering, keep your eyes on the road ahead, not on what’s right in front of your bumper.

(Reblogged from August 2012)

We’re Just Not Friends Anymore

Every year I counsel parents  and middle schoolers about the ebb and flow of friendships in this age group.

In lower grades, it seemed easier:  everyone who liked to play soccer would get together on the field at recess.  Those who preferred the Big Toy would hang out there.

Everything is different in middle school.  Because kids mature at different rates, friendships change – often without warning.  Friendships are based on common interests, because “If you like what I like, that validates my choice.”  And boys who aren’t interested in sports or girls – or girls who aren’t interested in make-up or boys – will find themselves adjusting their friendship circles.

Middle school is also when the whole class is no longer invited to birthday parties.  Some middle schoolers are allowed to have their first boy/girl parties, which creates all kinds of social calamities as feelings get hurt when one’s not invited.

It helps to remind middle schoolers  that this is a difficult time everyone goes through, but things usually get better in high school, where there are more clubs and teams to join.  Most teens find their niche (or their “group”) by the time they’re 15 or 16.

My advice to parents is to step out of “Problem Solver” mode and work more on “Good Listener” mode.  Give lots of empathy – “It’s hard when things change, isn’t it?” – but don’t feel like it’s your job to make the bad feelings go away.  Middle schoolers need to feel they’ve been heard and understood, and then they can move forward in dealing with feelings and social issues on their own.

Friendships change like the tides – it’s a parent’s job to be the anchor.

Faking Nice

I’ve always said that civilizing students is part of my job.

While discussing how to improve classroom relationships, one of the girls said she didn’t feel the need to be friendly to girls she didn’t like.  “That would be like faking nice,” was her argument.  I explained that the world revolved around people “faking nice” to each other.  In the adult world, “faking nice” is another term for courtesy, tact, and manners.

For instance, when a senior citizen meanders down the supermarket aisle ahead of me, I wait for an opportunity to smile and go around.  It wouldn’t do either of us any good if I yelled at her to move faster.  And when someone greets me with a cheery “Good morning!” before 10 a.m., I refrain from biting his head off and instead reply with a terse “Morning.”

Learning to be genuine without hurting others’ feelings is an important social skill, despite what teens may see on reality TV.  But “faking nice” doesn’t come naturally; parents have to teach – and model – appropriate social behavior.  It’s helpful to point out to your teen when you’ve said something contrary to what you were thinking, and then have a discussion about why tactful responses are kinder than hurtful ones.

(By the way, if you run into those judges from American Idol, please tell them I’d like to talk to them.  Thanks!)

Relax Your Grip

“Welcome to 7th grade!” I smiled at the parent entering my classroom.

“Whoosh!” she said.  “I don’t know if I’m ready for this!”

I was about halfway through Before-School Conferences, and already this was the theme that kept popping up.

Some parents dread having their child enter middle school because of what lies ahead:  adolescence and teenager-hood.

Do you remember learning to drive?  The harder you tried to steer the car, the more you went off course.  It wasn’t until you learned to relax and quit fighting the steering wheel that you could be successful.

Parenting a middle schooler is like that; it works best when you learn to relax and quit fighting so hard for control.  The happiest combinations of middle schoolers and parents that sat at my conference table were those where Mom or Dad made suggestions (if they said anything at all) but left final decisions about where to sit and where to put stuff to the student.  These parents communicated that they trusted their kids’ judgment, and the kids responded.

Make your expectations clear, offer suggestions, and then relax a little and give your middle schooler a chance to make the right decision.  Don’t be too quick to assume the worst and overreact, or you could create problems where there were none and slide right off the road.

And remember – to avoid oversteering, keep your eyes on the road ahead, not on what’s right in front of your bumper.

(Reblogged from August 2012)

Mirror, Mirror – Minus Two Tablespoons

This morning on the radio I heard that a successful salesman will mirror the temperament of his client.  What great advice for dealing with teens!  If your teen is excited about something, you should share that excitement.  And if she’s disappointed, your face and tone should reflect her mood.  Almost.

Have you ever used a recipe that called for “2 cups minus 2 tablespoons” of milk?  This always puzzles me; how did someone figure out that just that little bit less will make a difference?  However, when dealing with teens, just a little bit less of whatever emotion they’re exhibiting is definitely a wise option.

So when he slams the door behind him and shouts, “Guess what?!  I made the VARSITY TEAM!!” you don’t have to shout, “WAY TO GO!!”  You should, however, wear a big smile and congratulate him instead of shrugging and saying, “Oh.  How nice.”  Conversely, when she flings herself onto the couch and mutters, “My life sucks,” it’s not the time to clap your hands and suggest a Girls’ Night Out.   Lower your voice, look concerned, and ask casually, “Bad day?”

Mix up your metaphors – mirror what your teen is feeling, but hold back a little.  About 2 tablespoons should do.

 

That’s What I Like About You!

When I was in high school, my mom came home from bowling one night and mentioned that a teacher had said something nice about me to my parents.  “Of course Dad’s head swelled with pride,” she said matter-of-factly. Wait – my dad was PROUD of me?  I’d always been a non-trouble-making good student, but I’d never realized my accomplishments meant anything to my dad.  He’d never said much more than, “You sure don’t get your brains from me!”

If I asked your middle school/high school student what you think of her, what might she say?  Don’t go and ask her now; you’ll just get an embarrassed shrug followed by, “I dunno.”  But think back to the last time you paid her a genuine compliment – more than just a “Good job!” or “Way to go!”  When did you last say something specific like, “I appreciate your responsibility – I can always depend on you to lock the doors when you leave,” or “You have such a good eye for taking pictures”?  Don’t take for granted that she knows what she does that makes your head swell.

Speaking well of your teen to someone else in his hearing is also powerful.  We adults are the same way – when I overhear my husband say something nice about me to someone, I can’t help but smile.  When I’m in conference with a parent and a student, I try to do both: compliment the student directly AND say something nice about him to his parent.  It’s a powerful opportunity.

Sometimes, when I say something to a student like, “I appreciate how helpful you are,” another student will ask, “What do you appreciate about me?”  I like to turn the tables and say, “You should know the answer to that by now.  What do you think I like about you?”  It gives me good insight into how the student thinks I view him, and it gives me the chance to publicly hand out some compliments.

Find ways to compliment your teen.  It will make you both feel better.  It was Mark Twain who said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”

The Mob Mentality

How many times have you tried to walk through the mall, only to find your way impeded by a group of teens who are talking and laughing  and oblivious to  – or blatantly ignoring – your need to get by?  “There’s safety in numbers” –  “Run with the herd” – “United we stand; divided we fall” –  teens have an intuitive understanding of these axioms and any others that apply to the strength of the group.  They may not band together  for the purpose of causing mischief, but once they are together, mischief sometimes follows.

I have a painful memory of attending a dance at our community center when I was in 9th grade, and falling victim to such a mob.  My friend had fixed my hair in a new way and assured me that a certain young man had his eye on me.  But my self-confidence was shattered when, while in the restroom stall, I heard several girls whispering together and then chanting, “Susan is a SCODE!”  They went out giggling, and I was left to gather up my shredded dignity and sneak out.   I didn’t know what a “scode” was (still don’t), but my friend thought it meant a really ugly girl.

I knew all the girls – we went to school together – and I wouldn’t have counted them as my enemies, except for maybe Melody.  A hard-edged girl, she got in trouble for being disrespecful in class, while I was a good student who got along with all my teachers.   Had she and I been alone in the restroom, she might have glared at me but otherwise ignored me.  It was the presence of her cronies that gave her the courage to attack.

That same courage can lead teens to take risks they wouldn’t attempt on their own.  It isn’t even a matter of daring each other (though that can happen); often it’s just one person getting an idea: “You know what would be funny/crazy/exciting. . .?”  And the rest following suit: “Oh, we shouldn’t, but – I will if you will!

But it isn’t just dangerous ideas that percolate in the mob.  Sometimes it’s simply loud talking and screaming laughter (girls) or loud talking and inappropriate jokes (boys) with no thought to how such behavior might be disturbing others.  Any parent who’s hosted a sleepover has lost sleep to these activities.

A wise parent will do two things to head off unwise choices made in the herd:  Avoid providing opportunity, and remain vigilant.  Parents who drop off their younger teens at the mall or at a school event without giving any thought to who’s supervising them are inviting the mob to form.  It’s wise to be near enough to keep an eye (and ear) on things and to intervene when necessary.  I often approach a rowdy (or whispering) group of students and tell them they’ve set off my “junior high teacher radar.”  It’s my way of letting them know I’m paying attention.  It also gives me a chance to gauge their level of guilt and decide whether I need to take action.

The Mob isn’t always a bad thing.  I’ve seen groups gather up the courage to approach the New Kid and make him feel welcome, or go to a teacher together and apologize for earlier bad behavior.  But it’s still a good idea for adults to sidle up and make eye contact or ask nonchalantly, “How are things going?”

Often that’s all it takes to head them off before they do something that could lead to them getting injured, getting arrested, or getting dead.

Spring Fever

Jason and Amanda are in love and plan to get married.  They like to hug, hold hands, and gaze into each other’s eyes.  They make a cute couple – especially since they’re both 5 years old.

When I tell my 8th graders that adults view their relationships in much the same light as 8th graders would view Jason and Amanda, they get very offended.  At the ripe old age of 14, they feel they are mature enough to handle “real” love and relationships.

For some, it’s because their parents encouraged them to date when they were in 5th or 6th grade.  They thought it was cute to drive them to a movie, or out for pizza.  It is cute when they’re in the first flush of romance, but there’s nothing cute about the emotional devastation left behind after a breakup.  At 11 or 12 – or even at 14 – their emotions are all over the place as it is.  Their self-esteem bounces from high to low, and many times relationships become hotbeds of drama, insecurity, and possessiveness.

The junior high brain doesn’t help much (yes, there is such a thing).  Studies show that the back part of the brain, where ideas and impulses form, is way ahead of the front part of the brain, which is where reason and caution live.  So the voice that says, “You know what would be cool/hilarious/freakin’ awesome?” is much louder than the voice that says “You could get hurt/pregnant/grounded/dead.”  This can cause a teen to quickly progress from the thrill of holding hands and touching lips to – well, to bigger thrills – without any thought to the risks involved.

Dating – and breaking up – as a young teen can lead to all kinds of complications such as abusive relationships, sexual experimentation, isolation, guilt, depression, loss of friendships, and lower grades.  Even the simpler, less complicated relationships eventually end in a broken heart and a huge amount of self-doubt.

Young teens will always have crushes.  Boys will dream about being seen with certain girls; girls will write their first names with the boys’ last names to see how it looks.  And kids will pair off – today it’s called “going out.”    But that doesn’t mean they actually need to be going anywhere together.

Parents can help by setting some dating guidelines early, like “You can go out with a group but not on an actual date until you’re 16.”  Parents can also avoid the temptation to make too much of the relationship.  Don’t encourage the exchange of personalized jewelry, for example, or spend too much time asking about the “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.”  If your teen does get involved in a relationship in junior high, be casual about it.  Trying to prevent these things usually only makes them more attractive.  Pushing too hard to make them look like high school relationships puts undue pressure on the teens and can lead to disastrous consequences.

Take the middle road, sort of an “Oh, that’s nice” approach.   Ask a question or two, then let it go.  Be available if advice is needed, but don’t offer ideas like taking her flowers or inviting him to her birthday party.  Above all, don’t encourage them to go out on a date.  Hold on to this thought:  if they’re kissing and holding hands and so on in 8th grade – what will they be doing in 11th grade?