I’ve asked the students (and their parents) to keep their ears open for any leads on the perpetrator(s), but I’m not sure how much good it will do.  Even though I’m on good terms with all the students, it’s hard to fight The Code.

The Code, which is observed by students of all personality types and abilities, simply says “You do not get your friends – or people you like – into trouble.”  I used to be surprised at how even class leaders and straight-A students would adhere to this code, until I figured out something critical:  most junior high students see it as a moral obligation, right up there with offering to share your lunch when your friend doesn’t have one.  It’s a sign of your loyalty, a test of your friendship – you just don’t rat out your friends.

In the past, when the truth has come out, I’ve gone back and asked friends of the guilty party why they didn’t tell me what they knew.  Looking distressed, they’ve all answered the same way, “I knew I should tell you, but – I didn’t want to get my friend in trouble!”

It’s easy for adults to write it off as succumbing to peer pressure, or as an attempt to gain popularity.  But it isn’t always fear of repercussions that is the motivation.  Teens at this age are at an interesting moral place; they’re examining what they’ve been taught and taken for granted as a child, and evaluating its worthiness in their own worlds.  At the same time, they’re measuring their moral codes against those of their peers.  In the spectrum of moral maturity, they’re somewhere in the center – no longer doing what’s right because they’ve been told it’s right, but not yet able to decide for themselves based on internalized principles.

To put it more simply, they do what seems right based on what their friends will think.  In this case, even though they know it would make me happy to discover who took my candy, in their hearts they feel it’s wrong to turn in their friends.  This isn’t the same as being a snitch; they’re often more than happy to snitch on those who are outside their circles of friendship (as long as they can remain anonymous)!

In fact, I’m hoping it’s that snitch who solves the crime for me.

Our 8th grade girls this year have done an amazing job of not causing drama among themselves.  This is good news!  The bad news is that they don’t cause drama because they all get along so well.  Imagine a dozen 13-year-old girls who are friends, spending the day together.  Now multiply times five days.  For 36 weeks.  Spice it up with articulate, energetic, noisy girls who all have opinions to share on any topic that comes up, and you get the picture.  I said, “YOU GET THE PICTURE!”  Oops – sorry for yelling; it’s become a habit to make myself heard sometimes.

My fellow teacher and I tried explaining how disrespectful and inconsiderate such behavior is.   Then we tried nagging, admonishing, scolding, and pleading.  The girls would settle down for a day and a half after each discussion, but they’d soon be back to full volume.  We were frustrated, because this is a group of engaged, positive young ladies; we’re not dealing with an “us against them” mentality, nor with undermining of our authority.

Last week their writing assignment was to develop resolutions and goals for the rest of the year.  I invited them to check in with me if they needed help thinking up goals for themselves.  Over the weekend one of the girls texted me, and I suggested she work on not blurting so much.  ”Do I really blurt that often?” she replied.  And voila!  An idea was born – an old technique, actually, that I hadn’t used in several years.

On Monday I handed a Post-It note to each student (boys, too), and asked them to make a mark every time they interrupted or made a comment without waiting to be called on.  I told them we teachers would help by pointing at them when we felt they should add a tally.  The girls really got into the spirit of it and were surprised to see they blurted answers as often as eight times in a 50-minute class period.  Kayla took it a step further: “I didn’t interrupt, but I gave myself a mark every time I wanted to interrupt.”  She was shocked to find herself making six marks.

Today there was marked improvement in our class discussions.  By making them aware of how disruptive they really are, we empowered them to take charge of the problem and solve it themselves.  There was still blurting, but it was followed by a guilty look and often a “Sorry” instead of someone nearby trying to outshout the speaker.  And I saw more than one girl open her mouth and then promptly put her fingers in front of it while raising her other hand.

It’s an old adage:  Awareness of a problem is the first step in solving it.  With teens, that awareness has to come from within, not from adults pointing out their shortcomings.

The trick is to find a way that helps them discover it for themselves.

A friend said it well: “It’s like they’re your best buddy and want to tell you everything, and then one day they just disappear into their rooms and don’t want to be around you anymore!”

Why do some teens and pre-teens hibernate in their rooms and seem to shun contact with the family?  Sometimes it’s a personality issue.  Introverted teens who have spent the school day surrounded by dozens (or hundreds) of other people may need the time alone to recharge.

Sometimes it’s because privacy is something new and worthy of exploring.  Perhaps a teen no longer has to share a bedroom, or a wise parent has allowed “privacy hours” when siblings aren’t allowed to disturb.  Teens relish time to themselves, because they have the chance to think deep thoughts (or to wallow in their angst).

Teens with creative gifts can be insecure about their unfinished music-art-writing projects and will be irate if they’re interrupted in the middle of their masterpieces.  Those who are involved in relationships may be embarrassed to have their words of endearment (or their giggles) overheard by others who might tease them.  Conscientious students may need the peace and quiet for finishing homework.

But too much privacy can be a problem if it allows a teen the freedom to make bad choices.  Parents need to establish rules about open bedroom doors vs. closed doors, about how much power teens have to keep out siblings, and about usage hours for phones and electronics.  Smart parents will not allow computers or video games in bedrooms, because they know monitoring their use is almost impossible.  (Smarter parents will confiscate cell phones at bedtime to prevent middle-of-the-night texting.)

If you’re concerned because your teen seems to be spending an unusual amount of time alone, find a good time to approach him (be sure to knock first) and casually ask if everything’s okay.  If you feel it’s important for him to spend at least some time with the family, be ready to negotiate how much time you expect, or what hours you’d like him to join the family.

If you’re not comfortable with her spending so much time behind closed doors, sit down with her and tell her there are some new house rules in effect.  Be prepared to justify your reasons and try to work toward agreement on when it’s okay to close the door and when it’s not.

Your goal is to acknowledge and accommodate your teen’s need for privacy while still encouraging (or insisting) on being part of the family.  Remember:  that which is forbidden becomes more desirable.  Don’t take your teen’s need for “alone time” as a sign of rejecting you; instead, see it as another phase of development, a step toward one day living away from the family.

But somewhere around 12-13 years old, the magic disappears.  There’s no Christmas program, it’s creepy to even consider sitting on Santa’s lap, nothing in the Toys R Us catalog interests you, and your middle school classrooms have few – if any – decorations.  By the time you get to the end of Christmas Day, you’re disappointed and unsatisfied, and you can’t quite figure out why.  It may have something to do with your gifts (earphones, a wallet, a handful of gift cards), but much of it stems from the days and weeks leading up to Christmas.

This is where we as parents can make a big difference.  I can sum it up in three words:  GET THEM INVOLVED.  In our house, this started when my sons were toddlers.  I would hand them unbreakable ornaments and let them decorate the bottom half of the tree.  They thought this was so much fun, they would re-decorate the tree several times a day.    As they got older, I would give them $5 and let them choose gifts for each other.  I taught them how to wrap their presents, and they experienced the joy of watching someone’s pleasure at opening a gift from them.

In their teens, the boys wound lights around the tree with me, climbed on the roof to hang lights with Dad; hauled boxes of ornaments upstairs to the living room; folded, stuffed, stamped, and sealed the Christmas letters; wrapped a few gifts; and even filled stockings on Christmas Eve (but only once – after that they decided it was more fun to be surprised).  They played shepherds, wisemen, and Joseph in the church Christmas pageant, sang and played in school Christmas concerts, and spent their own money on gifts for family and friends.

I invite my students to get involved, as well.  The tree pictured in this post was assembled and decorated by this year’s students; I never laid a finger on it.  I also had strings of lights around my bulletin boards, and icicle lights hanging from my ceiling – all hung by students.  Our class adopted a needy family for Christmas, and as gifts came in, students would wrap them.  The 7th and 8th grade girls got a kick out of playing Secret Santas to all staff members who didn’t have classrooms of their own (a list of about 50 people), and they discovered how much fun it is to give anonymously.  I took my choir caroling around the entire campus – a first for many of them (when’s the last time you went caroling?).

Getting your teens involved not only benefits them, but it can also lessen some of your own stress.  What’s on your list of last-minute, unfinished projects?  Invite your teen to give you a hand, and then find a way to celebrate when the task is done, whether it’s with a run to Starbucks, or making popcorn and watching the Grinch together.

After all, it was Dr. Seuss who penned, “‘What if Christmas,’ he thought, ‘doesn’t come from a store?  What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more. . .?’”

When my boys were little, I taught them that we don’t sing Christmas carols until after Thanksgiving.  That way Thanksgiving isn’t overlooked in our rush to get to Christmas.  They diligently honored our tradition, and we rejoiced each year when we could finally play that first Christmas tape.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve decided that one month isn’t enough time to enjoy Christmas music, so I’ve begun listening to it early.  This horrifies my sons:  ”You can’t do that!  It’s TRADITION!“

We parents are often surprised by how adamant teens can be about sticking with tradition.  Consider for a moment how many things in their lives are changing – often more quickly than they’d like – and you can see why they want their holiday traditions to remain the same.  There’s comfort in familiarity, especially if there’s been upheaval in other areas of their lives.  Kids who’ve had parents split up, or who’ve had a parent lose a job, are looking for reassurance that some things won’t change – and those things, even the small ones, can be important to them.

But even if they haven’t experienced upheaval, teens are still experiencing change:  they’re maturing physically and emotionally; their relationships with those around them (friends, family, love interests) are in constant flux; the expectations put upon them are intensifying.  It’s no wonder they’re seeking consistency in what seems to us to be the little things:  a special plate for Santa’s cookies, the placement of the tree, or even a perennial ornament.  My boys hunted high and low one year for the “dancing penguin ornament,” and they were dismayed to learn it was broken.  ”You can fix it, right?” they asked – and were relieved when I did.  Those penguins still dance on our tree.

If your teens pester you about keeping their traditions, you can pat yourself on the back for providing them with an anchor in the storm of adolescence.  Find the ornament, move the tree, play the music – and remind yourself that the day may come when they won’t be home to make sure you’re doing it right, because they’ll be off starting traditions of their own.

Oh – and my mother still has that green felt drape for the mantle, even though she no longer has a fireplace.  And I still whine because it isn’t red.

In preparation for teaching a parenting class, I put together a list of techniques which work for me when dealing with a strong will.  All of these are designed to avoid getting into power struggles, those toe-to-toe situations where someone finally has to give in.  I will do all I can to head off a power struggle while at the same time not relinquishing any of my authority (or my dignity).  I try never to communicate “Do it my way or else,” because a strong-willed person will respond with, “. . .or else what?  Bring it on!”

Take a look at the list and practice a couple of them this week – and don’t forget to breathe deeply, lower your voice, and keep your cool:

• Fear and intimidation will not work on a strong-willed teen (SWT), and she will be happy to prove that to you.
• Consistency and calm confidence are important.  Your SWT will try to trip you up by pointing out your inconsistencies.
• Remember your SWT is challenging your authority, but not you personally.  In the same way, you need to communicate that you object to your SWT’s behavior, not to him personally.
• Stronger consequences will not give you better results.  If you have to repeat the same consequence multiple times, then do so.  Prove that you have more stamina, and that you will be consistent.
• State your case and the consequences calmly, and let it go.  Do not engage in a war of words; do not demand (or expect) a reasonable response.
• Walk away when you find yourself getting sucked into a battle of Who Gets the Last Word.  Also walk away when you find your buttons being pushed to the point of an explosion.  If you explode, your SWT wins.
• Be as proactive as you can, clearly stating expectations before the fact, whenever possible.  For example, “Tomorrow is your cousin’s wedding.  We will all wear nice clothes, which means you’ll need to pick out a shirt with buttons to wear, and no jeans, please.”
• Always look your SWT in the eye during a conversation, but don’t engage in a staring contest.  Once you’ve stated your case, turn and walk away as if you simply expect to be obeyed or understood.  This will allow both of you to maintain your dignity.
• Resist the temptation to ask questions that will begin the battle, such as, “What were you thinking?” or “What’s the matter with you?”
• Don’t be afraid to delay dealing out consequences until you are both calmer.  Say, “I’m too angry to be reasonable right now.  We will talk about this later.”
• Never forget that your relationship with your SWT is more important than getting your own way.  Compromises or draws can be more beneficial than total victories – which aren’t really victories at all.

Don’t lose sight of the goal, which should never be to prove that you have more power or can intimidate your SWT.   Your goal should be to raise a responsible, self-controlled young adult who treats you – and everyone else – with respect.

I hear this at least two or three times every year, usually about now, because the first report cards have arrived.  There are two big problems with this line of reasoning:
1) It’s the PARENT’S notebook, not the student’s; he had no input on it, so he feels no need to use it, and
2) Not all of us are notebook people.

Notice the pronoun “us” in that last sentence.  When I was in junior and senior high, if a teacher said part of our grade would depend on the condition of our notebook at the end of the quarter, I knew I was toast.  It just took too much time for me to open the darned thing, find the right section, open the rings, place the paper in, close the rings, and close the notebook.  Today’s binders are even more complicated – they have to be unzipped first!  Let’s face it – some of us just aren’t Notebook People.

Cynthia Tobias, expert on learning styles, calls us “Piles and Files” people.  One look at my desk and you will see how much that applies to me.  But ask me for a paper that’s somewhere in that stack, and I can produce it pretty quickly; I know just how deeply it’s buried!

When students move from class to class, they can’t rely on the piles (though I did have a student who tried carrying around his pile of papers and digging through it to find the correct assignment – he wasn’t very successful).   They need a different kind of system to keep track of their handouts and assignments.   I have seen students find success with large, brightly-colored plastic folders, with plastic cartons, and even with a shallow cardboard box.  This year one of the 8th graders is using an old, brown, expandable file given to him by his dad.  It rests on the floor under his desk in his homeroom, and he carries it with him from class to class.  The other day when I needed a class schedule, he whipped one out of his file!

Before you rush out to buy your organizationally-challenged son or daughter a neon green folder or an expandable file, keep this in mind:  in order for him to buy into it, he has to be involved in buying it.  Don’t assume you know what’s best for him; even if you do, he’s not going to appreciate you pushing your own ideas.  Take him along and let him choose whatever appeals to him.   And don’t make the mistake of thinking all of his problems will be solved by whatever system he chooses; he will need to fall back and regroup multiple times before he finds something that works for him (a process that could take years).

If you’re one of the Notebook People, you have my admiration and appreciation.  My co-teacher is one of you, and I rely on him to keep track of papers that I fear I will lose.  Please don’t think of us – the Piles and Files crowd – as suffering from laziness.  We’re just wired differently, and in our minds we’re still organized, even when it doesn’t appear that way.

(And don’t even THINK about touching those piles!)

How much is too much?  And how do parents determine where the breaking point is when they want their kids to learn new skills, make friends, be involved, and belong somewhere (I called it “gang-proofing” my kids)?   This isn’t just a problem for parents of teens; the scheduling nightmare can begin with kids as young as 5 or 6.

I read an article recently that suggested parents let teens be involved in only two major activities, such as one sport and one musical instruction.  Which sounds reasonable, but parents want their kids involved in school sports with their friends, in club sports for the competition, in music lessons for the cultural enrichment, and in church activities for the spiritual growth.

I suggest parents keep their thermometer handy and use it frequently.  Not the mercury-filled one, nor the digital one, nor even the stick-it-in-the-ear one, but the one that’s based on parental intuition and knowledge of their own children.  Parents need to be aware of their teens’ needs for down time as well as their tolerance for stress.  Teens who are pushed – or who push themselves – too hard will get sick and/or be more irritable than usual.  Their grades will slip, and their relationships with friends and family will suffer.  An observant parent will know when to insist on missing a practice, or even when to (strongly) encourage dropping out of something.  This isn’t an easy decision for any of the parties involved, so it’s important to keep the goal in mind:  to do what’s best for your son or daughter’s physical and emotional health.

Some red flags to pay attention to:

1. A calendar so full of practice schedules and games that important commitments (a cousin’s band concert) or appointments (orthodontist) are forgotten;
2. Frequent family arguments over whose activities are the most important;
3. Teens who have neither the energy nor the desire to spend time doing the fun stuff, like friends’ birthday parties.

Teens grow their very own version of this when they hit adolescence.  The hamster ball – or “bubble,” as I call it – is a major source of frustration for parents, because it narrows the teens’ view to about two feet away from themselves.  In other words, they’re oblivious to anything that doesn’t directly concern them.

To parents, this looks like self-centeredness in the extreme, and many fear they’ve raised the World Champion of the Me Generation.  “It’s like he doesn’t even know the rest of the family exists!” they cry, as they stumble over his backpack in the middle of the room or face another accusation of, “You never told me that!”

The good news is that it’s a normal stage in development, and there’s a good reason for it.  The bad news is, it’s going to be around for awhile (we’re talking YEARS, not months).

Just as the hamster ball occupant concentrates on his immediate surroundings, so teen-agers focus on what’s going on inside themselves.  Between the ages of 11 and 16, they will grow several inches taller, their body shapes will change dramatically, they will sprout hair in places they don’t want to tell you about, and their faces will lose their childish roundness – and those are only the VISIBLE changes!

Mentally, they’re able to think in more abstract ways, and they can lie awake long into the night pondering things like infinity or “what would happen if the earth were turned inside out?”  Emotionally, they’re all over the place:  hyper and silly one moment, and raging in anger the next.  They’re as confused by it as you are!  Spiritually, they’re no longer accepting what they’ve been taught just because they’re told to.  They’re searching for answers that make sense to them.

Teens will spend hours looking in the bathroom mirror – not so much out of vanity, but out of fascination at how different they look from just a few weeks ago.  They’re also comparing themselves to their peers, and many times they’re not happy at how they measure up.  Meanwhile, they’ve forgotten there’s anyone outside the door, waiting for a turn in the bathroom.  Self-absorption has become a means of survival.

This is why one of my students wanted to pray for his mom this week because she’s traveling, but he couldn’t tell me where she’d gone.  Or when she’d be back.  He did know she’d be leaving again on another trip.  Soon.  To somewhere.

Most teens don’t mean to be inconsiderate; they’re just unaware that there are people outside their bubbles.  It takes a lot of reminding – and sticking your head inside their bubbles – to get them to look beyond themselves and see the dirty dishes in the sink, or the people waiting to walk through the doorway they’re blocking, or the annoyed looks on people’s faces because their voices are too loud.

The bubble isn’t an excuse for rude behavior, but adults who understand and acknowledge its presence may have a little more patience as they deal with its consequences.  Teens are often embarrassed to discover they’ve ignored someone else’s needs.  If they’re gently reminded, they’re likely to apologize and make things right.

For just a few minutes, the bubble will have thinned, letting light inside.  Just don’t get too used to it. . .

(Written last week for posting today – I’m home now, suffering from jet lag!)

As I sit here on my lanai in Kauai (let the envy begin), I’m struggling for an idea for a new topic.  No, it’s not because I’m a little distracted by my surroundings – oo, listen to those waves! – it’s because this is my 85th post, and I run the risk of repeating myself.

Give me some advice, please – should I revisit important topics, like empathy and the bubble concept, which would be helpful for newer readers but old hat for long-time readers?  I’d really like to address issues you’re currently dealing with or pondering.  Even if you don’t have teens anymore (or yet), you must see things when you’re out and about that might be worth a post.

Right now, I’m 2700 miles from my classroom, which may play a part in my difficulty in coming up with an idea – that, and the palm trees rustling over my head.  So would you please take a moment to reply or comment and tell me what to write about?

Mahalo!