I Had A Bad Day

Bad days happen to all of us.  And while watching your best friend eat lunch with someone else might not compare to hearing rumors of layoffs at work, to your 13-year-old it’s a pretty big deal.

Imagine if, on your bad day, you  complained to a friend or spouse, and he responded, “That’s all you have to complain about?  I wish my life was so hard!”  Not only would you feel irritated, but you’d also hesitate to share with that person again.

If you feel that your teen doesn’t tell you much, check your responses.  Your teen or pre-teen considers herself more of an adult and less of a child, and she wants you to treat her as such.  Though she’ll still often respond like a child, sometimes she’ll surprise you with her maturity and insight.

The next time your teen whines about his terrible day, try responding as you would to a friend or co-worker:  ”That does sound lousy.  Poor you.”  Don’t discount or solve any problems; just listen with empathy.  You’ll get more information and you’ll get it more often.

And the next time you have a bad day of your own, chances are good your teen will give you a little empathy in return!

Now What?

Three things you can count on beginning December 26:  overflowing trash, the end of Christmas music on the radio,  and middle schoolers whining, “I’m so booooooored!”

For a non-driving young teen, these days away from school stretch endlessly, even with so many ways to connect electronically with friends.  Their misery multiplies if parents have to work, leaving them home with only the TV, computer, and game system for entertainment. Many parents don’t want their kids spending all day in cyberspace, but they don’t know how to prevent it.

While screen time isn’t totally avoidable, parents should still sit down with their teens and agree upon limits for gaming time and for allowable TV shows and websites.  Just be aware that limits are  hard to enforce from the workplace, especially if there aren’t siblings to police each other.

One good option is to leave a list of chores to be completed before getting on any electronics.  Here’s your chance to get bathrooms scrubbed, floors vacuumed, and bedrooms cleaned! (If you come home from work to find chores unfinished, just pack the computer/game system power cords to work with you the next day.)

Be aware that sometimes a complaint of boredom is a way of guilting you into giving permission for an activity you don’t usually allow, like hanging out at the mall for hours.  Don’t let your guard down; teens are manipulative creatures!

My personal favorite solution for Christmas Break Doldrums is to share time with another teen’s parents.  Send yours over to their house for a couple of days, and then return the favor.   This way they get a break from home – and you get a break from the whining.

 

After the Invitation (Before the Conflict)

Here’s an end-of-the-year refresher course to help you enjoy holiday celebrations with your teen/preteen:

Expectations 101
Go over your expectations for dress, behavior, language, and acceptable topics of conversation before a family gathering.  Don’t assume teens already know what’s appropriate.

Bubble Trouble 102
If your child is over 10, he’s living in his own bubble.  Much of what you say sounds like those adults in Charlie Brown cartoons.  After you tell him the coming week’s schedule, be prepared to tell him again.  And don’t be surprised when the day comes and he says, “Wait, what?  Nobody told me about that!”

Gratitude  103
She won’t be thinking about Grandma’s feelings when she opens Grandma’s gift and says, “Red mittens?  With my pink coat?  I don’t think so!”  It’s part of that same bubble trouble.  When it happens, don’t overreact; try a gentle reminder, like “I think you meant, ‘Thank you, Grandma,’ didn’t you?”  Or catch her alone later and explain how she hurt Grandma’s feelings, then ask how she’s going to make it right.

Cell Phone Etiquette 104
Don’t want to be looking at the top of your texting teen’s head at the party?  Discuss before you go why it’s not polite, and work with your teen to set some limits.  Instruct him to explain to his friends that he’ll be at a party and unavailable.  Try agreeing on a time – and a time limit – for checking texts: “Leave your phone in the car, and two hours after we get there, you can go out to the car and text  for 10 minutes.”  (Agree on a consequence if he stays out there too long.)

Before you leave for your holiday gatherings, spend at least as much time prepping your teen as you do deciding what to wear, and everyone will have a better time!

Merry Messiness

Christmas threw up in my classroom this week.  I hauled out the boxes of ornaments and decorations, made push pins available, explained how the tree goes together, handed out strings of lights, and sat back to watch the fun .

At the end of the first day, the room was in chaos.  A stepladder stood abandoned in the middle of the room, lights drooped from the middle of one bulletin board, and the tree stood at a rakish angle.  By the end of the second day, the fussier students had straightened everything out.  Our room now glows so brightly that we can work by Christmas lights alone, and our tree is the envy of everyone who stops by.

But the best part is the sense of satisfaction in the room, the feeling of “Yeah, we did that!”  Sure, I might have draped the garland and not wrapped it around the tree, and I would have made sure the light cord fit flush against the wall instead of dangling from the board, but getting it done my way would have benefited only me.

If you’re the kind of parent who wants everything done  ”just right,” you’re missing out on an opportunity to build self-confidence at a time when your preteen or teen could use it most.  Choose one or two jobs you can let go of, and let them go at it.

And please – be sure to applaud their efforts!

 

Rage Quit

A term known to gamers, for a concept known to everyone, “rage quit” translates as “I’m mad and I don’t want to play anymore!”

But it happens beyond gaming.  Parents see it in discussions that become arguments.  One day it might be a parent rage quitting; the next a teen: “Forget it!  Whatever!  Just do what you want!”    Try not to get to that point – suggest that there might be a better time for this discussion.  But if you do get there, recognize it as time to stop.  Walk away, drop it, or change the subject before mean words are spoken.  Nobody’s in the mood to be reasonable after a rage quit; parents will make ridiculous threats (“Get back here or you’re grounded for a month!”) and teens will resort to disrespect (“I can do whatever I want!”).  Nobody wins.

If you go past The Point of No Return and into the Land of Hurt Feelings,  call for a time out.  Later, when everyone’s calm, start fresh and avoid the snares you ran into last time.  Exchange apologies if necessary, and keep breathing deeply.

Remember – in video games and in relationships, there’s a wonderful little button labeled “Reset.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanksgiving Strategies

Hopefully, you’ll have a turkey at your Thanksgiving dinner – and it won’t be your own offspring.

Teens can be notorious for making holidays challenging – by being silly, or sulky, or just plain antisocial.  Here are a few tips to help things run more smoothly:

1. Discuss expectations.  Going to a relative’s house?  Having the relatives in?  Either way, tell your teens  beforehand what you want from them, whether it’s helping out with the housecleaning (or cooking or clean-up), or  entertaining Grandma or younger children.  It’s an awkward stage of life, and teens don’t always know what their roles are.

2. Agree on dress code.  If your family dresses up for holidays, talk to your teens about what they should wear, but be prepared to compromise.  You could give in on the shorter skirt but insist on a modest top, or allow jeans but with a dress shirt.  As long as it’s nicer than everyday wear, teens can pull it off.

3. Talk about table manners.  You taught them these when they were younger, but it’s a good idea to review the basics.  Knowing which fork to use isn’t as important as trying new foods when you’re a guest, or learning to refuse politely.  If elbows off the table and napkins in laps matter to you, then say so.

4. Comment on the positive.  Before you go (or guests arrive), take time to thank your teen for being on time or dressing appropriately.  After it’s all over, point out one thing that went well, such as chatting with the grown-ups or helping clear the table.  Parents are quick to criticize but not as quick to compliment.

When you’re counting your Thanksgiving blessings, remember to count your teens.  And don’t forget to let them know!

Another Difficult Teen

Because I realize many people now read these on their phones, I’ve vowed to make them shorter.  Therefore, you’ll be getting one Difficult Teen at a time – in 250 words or fewer.

The Crab Pots
What they do
When I was young, my mom would ask, “Why are you such a crab pot today?”  This never failed to cheer me up.  Yeah, right –  it made me crabbier.  Cranky teens don’t want to be cheered up; they’d rather wallow in their crabbiness.  Because their fuses are short, you may not have any idea of what you did that set them off; all you know is, they’re snapping their claws at you again.

How to handle them
Stay out of their way when you can. You can’t make them happy, so don’t try.  Use empathy, but don’t let them manipulate you or anyone else with their moods.  Dealing with bad moods is a life skill, so teach them how to handle theirs.  Try something like, “Sounds like you’re having a rough day.  Is there something I can do, or do you  just need some time alone with your loud music?”  Encourage them to take a timeout until it passes.  Just let them know you still love them, no matter how crabby they are!

One day, they will return the favor when it’s your turn to be a Crab Pot.

Just Listen

For our chapter on communication between parents and teens, Cynthia and I decided to ask students for their input.  I spent an insightful 90 minutes with my 7th graders, gleaning enough material for several chapters.  Here are a few of the highlights, as the kids see it:

• Parents expect kids to stop what they’re doing and pay attention to them, but they don’t always do the same for their kids.
• What parents consider “talking back” is considered “just having a conversation” or “just asking a question” by their kids.
• Kids are pleasantly surprised when parents listen to and support their ideas.
• Siblings are seen as a big distraction when there’s something important to discuss.
• Parents tend to jump to conclusions before the story has ended.

The bottom line?  Somewhere between the ages of 11 and 13, middle schoolers start to need the same things adults do:  to be listened to, to be understood, and to be taken seriously.  If you want to hear what’s going on inside your kids’ hearts and heads, show them you’re interested by treating them the same way you would a friend or a co-worker.

And please – let them finish.

 

 

3 Types of Difficult Teens (and How to Live with Them)

When I heard about a book called How People Tick:  A Guide to Over 50 Types of Difficult People and How to Handle Them, I realized that I could probably think of 50 types of difficult teens and give advice on handling them.  However, in the interest of time, I’ll only mention 3 here (and address more in later blogs).

The Drama Queens/Kings
What They Do
While all teens are emotional, some go overboard with their overreactions.  They will turn small issues into major crises with excessive tears or tantrums.  It’s not so much that all the world’s a stage; it’s more like all the world is expected to be an audience.
How to Handle Them
I’ve found three methods to be useful.  The easiest is just to play dumb and pretend it’s not happening.  She yells, “Oh NO!  I can’t believe this!  My life is over!!”  You know she’s not talking about a terminal illness, so don’t even glance her way unless you’re directly addressed.  Then you can try the second method – underreacting.  Just shrug and say a noncommittal “Huh.”  If she doesn’t get the response she wants, she’ll go elsewhere for a more appreciative audience.  If she continues to be annoyingly theatrical, pull out the third method and call it what it is:  ”Your reaction seems a little too dramatic for this situation.  I’m happy to listen when you can be calmer about it.”

The Surrogate Parents
What They Do
Often (but not always) oldest children, they think they’re part of the parenting team.  This entitles them to boss and/or correct their younger siblings, causing strife and unhappiness in the family.  Sometimes, these pseudo-parents think it’s also their right to boss around the real parents.
How To Handle Them
Keep reminding him that there are already parents in your house (or at least one parent), and he is not one of them.  Thank him for his helpfulness, but assure him that you are fully in charge of the situation.  Sometimes a hand held up, palm out, accompanied by the words, “I’ve got this!”  are all you need.

The Eeyores
What They Do
Perpetually out of sorts, they seem to be happy only when they’re complaining.  No matter how good something might seem to others, they’re likely to just shrug and say, “Whatever,” or “It’s okay, I guess.”  Or they’ll point out flaws that others didn’t see – and might not care about.
How To Handle Them
First of all, don’t fall into the trap of trying to cheer them up.  While they may enjoy the attention they’re getting as you try to make them happy, it’s not what they want, and they’ll only resist your efforts.  As with the dramatic teens, it’s best to play dumb and pretend you don’t notice their melancholy (unless, of course, you suspect something really is wrong).  When your question about where to go for dinner is met with a sigh and “I don’t care; whatever,” answer brightly with your own choice and assume your idea is met with approval.  Often they will forget their sadness and join in the fun with the rest of the gang.

One last tip:  most teens will become Difficult Teens of one kind or another.  In fact, some of them will be all three of these in the same day – or the same hour.  Learn to recognize them, acknowledge them, and deal with them appropriately.  Because the reality is – they’ll be back another day!

No Need to Up the Stakes

I could see the frustration in the 8th grade mom’s face:  ”I tried taking away her phone like you said, but she didn’t care.  She just shrugged, said, ‘Okay, fine,’ and handed it over.  I guess next time I’ll have to think of something worse!”

I assured her she wouldn’t have to do that if she just kept taking the phone away whenever the undesired behavior (or attitude, in this case) occurred.  Parents forget that the purpose of a consequence is to curb behavior; they aren’t trying to make the teen mad.  Of course this will happen (often), but it shouldn’t be the goal.

It’s like a driver who receives 3 or 4 speeding tickets in the same neighborhood, or on the same stretch of freeway.  Eventually he’ll get tired of paying the fines and slow down as he approaches that area.  The consequence doesn’t have to change; it just has to happen consistently.

Besides, some teens will use their non-anger as a power ploy, refusing to give their parents the satisfaction of making them miserable – at least on the surface.  Rest assured, however, that if the consequence is appropriate, the teen will be upset enough to want to avoid it happening again.

In the above situation, I heard about it at school every day. “I’d text you, but I don’t have a phone!”  ”Only 10 more days until I get my phone back!”   “I’d better not, or my mom won’t ever give me back my phone!”

I’d say that consequence was painful enough!